It is not uncommon to become insulted, hurt, angry, or have other similar reactions to this perceived harm. We use the term perceived here because we want to emphasize the personal nature of how we interpret situations. Not everyone will interpret the same action as harmful.  An off-hand comment from our partner might be ignored by some, but taken as a major insult by others. When we lean toward the latter interpretation, it is not uncommon to hold a grudge against the person whom we perceive as having harmed us. 

Holding a Grudge is Bad for your Mental Health

Ethical codes and most religious doctrines tell us that we should be forgiving to those who harm us. This advice certainly has its socially redeeming qualities, but it’s also sound from a psychological perspective. When we hold a grudge and refuse to forgive, we again leave ourselves open to the danger of ruminating about the event, and that’s especially likely to happen if the harm came from someone we regard as important to us. As we rehash the episode in our minds, we experience all the negative emotions, and perhaps some behavioral outbursts. Yet, the hurt remains because the event cannot be repealed. Holding grudges is a lot of wasted work and destructive to our well-being as well as our relationships. Most importantly, when we hold a grudge, we give power to those we believe harmed us and feel less in control of our lives because we’re focusing inwardly on the hurt and not  outwardly on our own lives and how we choose to react. 

Ruminating has its roots in irrational beliefs. We might be thinking, How could this person have done this to me? What’s wrong with him or her? What’s wrong with me? This easily translates to, this person should not have done this, and, if they did this, they must be bad, or I must be bad. Grudges sometimes will also lead to revenge, which is a bad idea that has no utility. It has been suggested that taking revenge is like drinking a cup of poison and expecting the other person to die.

The Steps to Forgiveness

In trying to forgive a wrongdoing, there are a few steps that you might consider. First, acknowledge your pain and talk to others about it. Don’t deny or apologize for your thoughts and emotions. Then try to appeal to your rational side and don’t let irrational beliefs or non-adaptive emotions get in your way. Keep in mind that forgiving is something you are doing for yourself. You will feel better and more in control of your  life when you drop the anger and are no longer being ruled by non-adaptive emotions.

Again, like most change, this can require some real effort and lots of repetition. Nevertheless, the advantages to your psychological health and a healthy relationship far outweigh the costs. Forgiving our partner for a perceived harmful act does not mean that we need to continue our relationship with him or her.  Some acts like cheating may signal the end of a relationship.  Forgiving means that we will try to have this event exert less and less effect on our present and future thought processes. 

Dr. Louis Primavera is the Dean of Touro’s Graduate School of Health Sciences and author of three books, including Making Marriage Work: Avoiding the Pitfalls and Achieving Success published by Rowan and Littlefield, which he co-wrote with Dr. Robert Pascale.